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Archive for the ‘Jokes’ Category

The intensity on the dog’s face shows more sincerity than most people! 

Be sure you read the prayer  below .  

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‘ Dear Lord: Thank you for bringing me to Timmy’s house and not to Michael Vick’s — AMEN!

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STUD ROOSTER

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop.

The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, “OK old fart, time for you to retire.”

 

The old rooster replies, “Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens.

Look what it has done to me. Can’t you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?”

The young rooster says, “Beat it, you are washed up and I am taking over.”

The old rooster says, “I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.”

The young rooster laughs. “You know you don’t stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start.”

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.

He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by.

The Old Rooster is squalking and running as hard as he can. The Farmer grabs his shotgun and

– BOOM – he blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,

“Dammit…third gay rooster I bought this month.”

Moral of this story?

Don’t mess with the – OLD FARTS – age, skill, wisdom and a little treachery always overcome youth and arrogance. 

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Thank goodness there’s a name for this disorder.
Somehow I feel better, even though I have it!!
Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. –
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table,
put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back
on the table and take out the garbage first.
But then I think,
since I’m going to be near the mailbox
when I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table,
and see that there is only one check left.

My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
so I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the can of Coke I’d been drinking.

I’m going to look for my checks,
but first I need to push the Coke aside
so that I don’t accidentally knock it over.The Coke is getting warm,
and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke,
a vase of flowers on the counter
catches my eye–they need water.

I put the Coke on the counter and
discover my reading glasses that
I’ve been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk,
but first I’m going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter,
fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
I’ll be looking for the remote,
but I won’t remember that it’s on the kitchen table,
so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
but first I’ll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers,
but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table,
get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to
remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

The car isn’t washed,

The bills aren’t paid,

There is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter,

The flowers don’t have enough water,

There is still only 1 check in my check book,

I can’t find the remote,

I can’t find my glasses,

and I don’t remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I’m really baffled because I know I was busy all day,
and I’m really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem,
and I’ll try to get some help for it,
first I’ll check my e-mail….

Do me a favor.
Forward this message to everyone you know,
because I don’t remember who I’ve sent it to.

Don’t laugh — if this isn’t you yet, your day is coming!!

 

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Laws of the Land

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you’ll have to go to the bathroom.

Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of the Telephone: If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law: If you change lines at a checkout (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

Law of the Bath: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.

Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of the Theater: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.  

Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy’s Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Rugs/Carpets:  The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.

Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about.    

Brown’s Law: If the shoe fits, it’s ugly.

Oliver’s Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson’s Law: (this one is true every time!) As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

Doctors’ Law: If you don’t feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you’ll feel better. Don’t make an appointment and you’ll stay sick.

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